The coo coos nest-

Why does it feel like I always come running back to this blog when life gets hard? Well, thats because I do. No this isnt well written, no this isnt magical. This blog is for me, it helps me write down my idiotic thoughts and feelings. Lately, things have got me really fucked up. Have I really gotten to the point where im that girl that goes to the bar to drink alone a read a book? You know, I used to feel bad when I would go out and I would see someone eating, or drinking alone, but you know what, I envy them i really do. It has taken me many years to feel secure enough in myself to go anywhere alone due to the thought of feeling insecure and everyone would be judging that i was alone but as of late, thats exactly what I am. All day I felt nothing but lonely, reaching out to each and every friend in my circle only to find out every single one was busy. However, when someone became available i felt this deep urge to be alone, knowing i would have to put up a facade to fit the part to not seem like a depressed loon. Is that so bad? depressed loon i mean. It feels impossible to get through a week without crying at least once. sheesh, am i really that weak? Am i really going to let someone feel like this, where i just dont even want to exist at all? The answer is yes, and i definitely have. It feels like im made out of glass and my emotions are made out of a hundred hammers thats have their sights set and smashing me into a million pieces. Why cant I just let go? How do you just let a piece of you go after it being there for 5 years? My head and heart tells me you are universes happier without me, you dont reach out although you will say you miss me. It feels obligatory on your part, like you say it because you know i am only shards of glass and you know that somehow i could manage to break even more if you dont. All i can do is tell myself: TURN THE FUCKING LIGHT ON.
you dont have to keep living in the dark, flip the switch you idiot.
-if only it were that simple.

meh,

Do i just suck?

So, senior year is almost over and im getting extremely nervous! I'm really excited but scared at the same time! soon ill be moving out on my own! WOW! it seems like everything has gone by so fast! It seems like just yesterday I was super excited to turn ten double digets baby! and now its like... im gonna be 18! and moving out! wooooow! :) Everything has been going super well... school work and my college class! Hoping to take a nice graduation trip! :) Which bring up the point that i totally suck with guys I guess? apparently im some mojor creep who can only keep someone interested for like a month? cool huh? EPIC FAIL! Anyways...... i just randomly felt like blogging on here. it'been like.. a whole year since ive written anything on here.

about that...

Does love really make the world go round? because i definetly think it does! I mean, why do people do all the things they do? love? I dont know. Off topic but :) it feels like ages since ive been on this suckkka. So first off im dating tommylee :) yesss. i am so happy with him, i dont know we just get eachother. I'm doing like realllly poorly at school though, i mean ahhh! what happened to my grades? So, marching season is officially really sad! i love being drum major it is just so so so so much fun! i cant wait for next year! :) I'm currently on a misson to play the flute! yeah! it's going to be... interesting. but yes.

Even with the slightest touch of love everyone becomes a poet- Plato

Never measure life by the number of breaths you take.

Wow, I almost completely forgot about my blog because school is just taking so much out of my time! I miss summer so much! Nothings really been that new. Im pretty much still a loner with the gents. haa. I never have luck with boys, you should know that. Anyways... My classes pretty much just suck. Well, except for band! :) I have My Math, english & business(college) classes this semester! blehk! OH YEEEAHHH! I got a vehicle. What the heck why did i just say that? Sorry just aweing at the fact i actually called it a vehicle, but yeah, Its a 95' Pastport. It's not bad I actually really love it. :) I get to drive soon i am just so excited! It's like creeping closer and closer. and this exact moment there is 26 days! woww! Man its going to be the best, well besides the whole getting a job to support my driving habbits. but yeah. I dont really have any updates or news, oh wait! I'm the Drummajor this year! If you have like no idea what that is its the person standing on the big box flailing their arms to keep the band in tempo! Yeeeah! I had to give up marching in the show to do it but i really love it and im very excited! :) Oh, and lately ive been like a quote making genious, such as " Love is only in fairytales, and world peace is only in dreams- Kim Fletcher.

Pumpernickle, Not the bread.

My new kitten is seriously the light of my life! I love her! She is so spoiled but hey i love her :) I got her a week ago Wednesday and shes already potty trained hoo-rah! I just know I'm in love with her. She even has to sleep with me in my bed! Shes crazy! Anyways. Last night i indeed had the weirdest dream! Me and my family were playing some weird game about my brothers life? It all started off at the elks lodge and then somehow magically we were on the football Field i couldn't really tell where but somewhere. Then all of a sudden all of these choir kids like bust out and they re practicing for some concert or something? and god knows why my family and i were playing this game on the middle of a football field. Then were magically inside the school, and these boys are grabbing random choir girls and carrying them into this tiny room? Then Kody farr tried to take me into the room but i tackled him picked him up and chucked him in the room? I would tell you more but that would just brake the barriers I've set up between this person and I. Anyway, WOW! Aren't dreams just the weirdest sometimes? They really don't make sense ever. It's like this huge mash of random things your brain makes and sends to you while your snoozing your life away! Oh my gosh on another note! So yesterday I go to Dairy queen right, and were they re waiting at the big dairy queen menu in the drive thru waiting for the car in front of us to move forward when this kid in a DQ t-shirt busts up and asks us what wed like to order! His voice sounded really familiar so i look out and it was MICHAEL NODAL! It was so cool! Being summer and all! but of course my parents had to embarrass me like always! It's like a parents job! They said I had to pay, So i get out all my ones (that's what happens when your a waitress), then my parents said i had all ones because I'm a stripper. Like no joke, my parents really say things like that! Then i told my parents to look at Michael's butt cause its just so nice! OH MY LANTA! If you ever see Michael look at his junk in the trunk! It's like woooooow! :) mmkay enough about that. I need to go feed Pumpernickle...

Realization!

Ive never really realized how beautiful the world is. As i layed on the middle of the Show Low high school football Field at 3 in the morning i realized just how beautiful the world we live in is. I have seriously taken it for granted so much! The pretty clouds, green grass, and the most beautiful sunrise! I just felt so alive. I felt so weary but i couldn't even force myself to close my eyes. SO, i pretty much have a lot to write about! the Cancer Walk went so well! the whole fananza was amazing! They had belly dancers, one who looked like Katy Perry. There was hula girls, live bands a DJ, and you cant forget the 2am Chili cook off! :) I really just wish i could have helped out more. Although i did enough walking for eight people! haha. Then i only got one hour of sleep and i went to flagstaff to go on a shopping trip my my best friend foreign oda! Then i stayed up for over 36 hours! I didn't think that was even possible for me! On another note, This boy that i have crazy feeling for is driving me nuts! One day he likes me, then the next he wont even talk to me! Its like that Katy Perry song hot and cold! it describes him perfectly! I don't even know what to do anymore. Your so on and off i cant even keep up! I really just need to get over you! blech! Anyways, i promise kyle i would tell him just how much i love him in here! Kyler, He is seriously the best friend you could ever have! He's always there for me, and i just feel like i can tell him anything and he wont judge me or tell anyone! I seriously don't know what i would do without him! He's the greatest person alive! I so glad we get to grow up together and make tons of great memories! Gosh! I just feel like Ive taken so many things for granted! Theres so many things that people see everyday and they don't realize it! I mean even with people! Like that saying " you never realize what you have till its gone". My life seriously goes by that! And i don't want it to.